Rants of the Broken Hearted

I've tried to be his friend, because he wanted it. I was there for him when he needed a friend, when he crashed his car or just to go grocery shopping with him. And I didn't mind, because I love him. But I was trying hard to put all the love aside, because a friend is what he needed. So I put my hurting heart aside, and made the effort to be his friend. However, I think when is he there for me when I need a friend? When I really need a friend, he's always busy.. always busy. I just want an answer to how it can be so perfect when we are together, and he grabs my hand from underneath the resteraunt table or says he misses my style. And then he hurts me, by not calling ever and blames me for it. And then he says I have ruined any possible chance of being together. I don't think what I wanted was too much to ask. To just pick up the phone, so I wouldn't have felt completely used.
I think what he wanted was a lot to ask.. but I tried anyways. But he won't try. And I'm reminding myself it is black and white. In a relationship there is no grey. You either work on the problems, or you don't. And if you don't, or if one person doesn't give a shit about the relationship, you leave the pieces and move on. That's what I'm learning.
Him and I are on two different levels. He just wants a friend for when he's lonely, or an acquintance, nothing more. I want something deeper, I'm looking for my best friend and soul mate. And it's difficult when you loose both... to just leave the pieces. I'm the the type of person, to make something, from nothing.. but it's hard to build a masterpiece when the glue won't stick. And it's fine, it is. It's a sad thing, but oh well. Sometimes you have to stop dedicating all your time to the broken pieces, because you might pass up a work of art that never needs fixing.

Insomnia Nights

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I just write. However the reason for my insomnia is thinking too much; hence writing requires thinking and emotions and therefore is probably not the greatest resolution to the problem.
But the truth is sometimes at night I feel really alone; like the most important part of me is missing. When I have these episodes, it feels like my bed just grows in size, and I become just a small lump in a cold, unfamiliar place. Often times I really do miss his solid hold or the nights we made love in the faint glow of a table side light. I used to think nothing could break that love.
All he can say is thanks for the memories; like a stupid cliche, or a quote from Fall Out Boys; really original right? I'm not pointing fingers, but it's a tormenting feeling not being able to sleep; or thinking what we shared is really just a figment of the past. Well to him it is... and that's what hurts most. I think his giving up is what keeps me up at night. Who vows that they'll love someone forever, and then just kick that feeling aside like it's nothing, like some burnt out cigarette.
Furthermore how can I ever love again? All love has taught me; is that you give your heart unconditionally to someone, trusting their words of forever, and it gets thrown away for the next beer pong party. It's taught me that, the people around me will all be happy and in love and I will spend my nights teary eyed; and heartbroken, praying for God to grant me some strength to move on. And I'll be jealous and upset, and I'll keep those feelings to myself, but deep inside, my heart will long to just love and be loved in return.