Russian Roulette

Поздравляю с Новым Годом! Happy New Years! Though a little late, I'd like to post a Happy New Years greeting to my NEW BLOG!! It's funny how when my boyfriend was in Iraq.. I had so many dreams of how this new year would be like! Having him home safely, and planning our lives together.. and now he doesn't want that at all. And I feel like my heart has been torn out from my chest. Often I cry when I think of him returning home.. because really he's only been home just a short while.. and the feeling of him coming home is still so fresh in my mind. Since that's all I thought about day in and day out for almost a year! Perhaps I did get too caught into life planning for his homecoming.. but I guess only because that's what kept my mind occupied while he was gone. Otherwise I would trouble my mind on thoughts of whether my honey was safe, or if I'd ever see him again; not like those thoughts didn't haunt me every night anyways... well I guess all I'm trying to say is that nothing in life is permanent. A love that you thought was so solid could be dissapear when you least expect it. I spent six years never doubting love, trusting it with every ounce of me.. I'd close my eyes and soak up the feeling; trusting so much his promises of forever. I guess my vice was loving too much.. I guess I have learned to not take for granted love or life. Sometimes you get so caught up in how permanent it is.. that you wake up one day.. six years older.. and realize only that you are very much alone. I have never mourned the death of someone.. however I have mourned all the dreams that involved anything I looked forward to.. my every dream involved my best friend. He was my true north. Yesterday would have been our six years and eight month anniversary.. I realized how I've taken for granted so many months of togetherness.. thinking that they would never end.. and now I really wonder whether I will ever love again. Yet I have to move on.. trusting in the future God has in store for me.. I guess this is a time of blind trust. Yet even as I begin making plans to move forward.. my heart longs for my best friend to come back home, he's the only person I can imagine sharing my life with. I still am very much in love with him.. With an ending thought: Never take for granted the people that come and go in your life.. never take for granted a beautiful love.. it might be no one's fault.. but you can wake up one morning.. and find that the sun has set on your summer's hour.