Rants of the Broken Hearted

I've tried to be his friend, because he wanted it. I was there for him when he needed a friend, when he crashed his car or just to go grocery shopping with him. And I didn't mind, because I love him. But I was trying hard to put all the love aside, because a friend is what he needed. So I put my hurting heart aside, and made the effort to be his friend. However, I think when is he there for me when I need a friend? When I really need a friend, he's always busy.. always busy. I just want an answer to how it can be so perfect when we are together, and he grabs my hand from underneath the resteraunt table or says he misses my style. And then he hurts me, by not calling ever and blames me for it. And then he says I have ruined any possible chance of being together. I don't think what I wanted was too much to ask. To just pick up the phone, so I wouldn't have felt completely used.
I think what he wanted was a lot to ask.. but I tried anyways. But he won't try. And I'm reminding myself it is black and white. In a relationship there is no grey. You either work on the problems, or you don't. And if you don't, or if one person doesn't give a shit about the relationship, you leave the pieces and move on. That's what I'm learning.
Him and I are on two different levels. He just wants a friend for when he's lonely, or an acquintance, nothing more. I want something deeper, I'm looking for my best friend and soul mate. And it's difficult when you loose both... to just leave the pieces. I'm the the type of person, to make something, from nothing.. but it's hard to build a masterpiece when the glue won't stick. And it's fine, it is. It's a sad thing, but oh well. Sometimes you have to stop dedicating all your time to the broken pieces, because you might pass up a work of art that never needs fixing.

Insomnia Nights

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I just write. However the reason for my insomnia is thinking too much; hence writing requires thinking and emotions and therefore is probably not the greatest resolution to the problem.
But the truth is sometimes at night I feel really alone; like the most important part of me is missing. When I have these episodes, it feels like my bed just grows in size, and I become just a small lump in a cold, unfamiliar place. Often times I really do miss his solid hold or the nights we made love in the faint glow of a table side light. I used to think nothing could break that love.
All he can say is thanks for the memories; like a stupid cliche, or a quote from Fall Out Boys; really original right? I'm not pointing fingers, but it's a tormenting feeling not being able to sleep; or thinking what we shared is really just a figment of the past. Well to him it is... and that's what hurts most. I think his giving up is what keeps me up at night. Who vows that they'll love someone forever, and then just kick that feeling aside like it's nothing, like some burnt out cigarette.
Furthermore how can I ever love again? All love has taught me; is that you give your heart unconditionally to someone, trusting their words of forever, and it gets thrown away for the next beer pong party. It's taught me that, the people around me will all be happy and in love and I will spend my nights teary eyed; and heartbroken, praying for God to grant me some strength to move on. And I'll be jealous and upset, and I'll keep those feelings to myself, but deep inside, my heart will long to just love and be loved in return.

Поздравляю с Новым Годом! Happy New Years! Though a little late, I'd like to post a Happy New Years greeting to my NEW BLOG!! It's funny how when my boyfriend was in Iraq.. I had so many dreams of how this new year would be like! Having him home safely, and planning our lives together.. and now he doesn't want that at all. And I feel like my heart has been torn out from my chest. Often I cry when I think of him returning home.. because really he's only been home just a short while.. and the feeling of him coming home is still so fresh in my mind. Since that's all I thought about day in and day out for almost a year! Perhaps I did get too caught into life planning for his homecoming.. but I guess only because that's what kept my mind occupied while he was gone. Otherwise I would trouble my mind on thoughts of whether my honey was safe, or if I'd ever see him again; not like those thoughts didn't haunt me every night anyways... well I guess all I'm trying to say is that nothing in life is permanent. A love that you thought was so solid could be dissapear when you least expect it. I spent six years never doubting love, trusting it with every ounce of me.. I'd close my eyes and soak up the feeling; trusting so much his promises of forever. I guess my vice was loving too much.. I guess I have learned to not take for granted love or life. Sometimes you get so caught up in how permanent it is.. that you wake up one day.. six years older.. and realize only that you are very much alone. I have never mourned the death of someone.. however I have mourned all the dreams that involved anything I looked forward to.. my every dream involved my best friend. He was my true north. Yesterday would have been our six years and eight month anniversary.. I realized how I've taken for granted so many months of togetherness.. thinking that they would never end.. and now I really wonder whether I will ever love again. Yet I have to move on.. trusting in the future God has in store for me.. I guess this is a time of blind trust. Yet even as I begin making plans to move forward.. my heart longs for my best friend to come back home, he's the only person I can imagine sharing my life with. I still am very much in love with him.. With an ending thought: Never take for granted the people that come and go in your life.. never take for granted a beautiful love.. it might be no one's fault.. but you can wake up one morning.. and find that the sun has set on your summer's hour.

Ariadna's First Blog.

We all have our firsts. Our first steps. Our first word. Our first day at school. Our first love. Our first heartbreak.. we all have our many firsts. Today I have created my first blog, a monumental moment in the world of firsts.